Sunday 28 July 2013

Why Job Applications Suck

Applying for your first job as a teenager is one of the most horrific never-ending nightmares of all time. Every single employer will straight out reject your sorry butt, even if you are a top notch applicant with extensive volunteering experience, a loveable personality, and wonderfully exquisite good looks - in other words, me.

Not really. But the point still stands. You can be the best applicant ever and you'll still get rejected from every single goddamn place you apply to. It's a game of luck without a doubt, and something is definitely not right.

The problem with job applications for simple part time careers is that they seem to think you need to be this overqualified and enthusiastic salesman to work for them. When was the last time you saw an ASDA or Tesco employee run up to you with a beaming smile, glowing with positivity and happiness, while trying to sell you one of their many products in a manner so stupid that you thought they were mentally ill? That's right, never. Because that doesn't happen. So why make us do it in the interviews? God knows.

Don't get me started on interviews as a whole, though. Not only do they exude pompousness no matter the employer, but they seem so dramatically unorganized and unaware when the interview is pinned on a teenager trying to scrape in a few pounds to fund their booze-fueled nights out. Why in god's name should I be asked 'Why do you want to work for our generic retail company?'. Well, I simply love serving rude, loud, and often impatient customers who I can share a bond with! 

NO. I want to work for your company because I want money. That doesn't mean I'm a bad applicant, because I want the money so bad that I will inject plenty of effort into the job and I will always do as I am told. That seems like an ideal stance to take on the matter. But if I said that in an interview, it'd be over in two minutes, with the employer saying 'we'll be in touch'. In English, that means 'we will not be in touch'.

But then let's take a look at how you apply. Every employer wants to royally piss off the applicant through complicated and ever changing methods of applying for jobs. Sometimes, employers will advertise their jobs on Directgov - and you'll be linked to their online application. Not bad. Sometimes, you'll find a job online, but will need to go to the store, collect a form, fill it out, then come back to hand it in. Why can't I just have it e-mailed to me? It'd save me a lot of time and hassle. Just let me print it and bring it immediately!

But it only gets more messy now. Sometimes, employers ask for an application form and your CV. Wait...what? You wan't the same details on two forms? Why can't I just hand in my CV with a cover letter specific to the position? Some employers don't even advertise their jobs online. Instead, they advertise it on their shop windows. To be honest, that's not bad at all - at least its still obvious. But then some don't even do that. I applied for a job at Card Factory once and I had to go in and ask to find out a vacancy was available. No advert was posted online or on the window. That's pretty damn stupid.

Let's return to online applications. Don't those things sound so great? And don't they just suck the big one in reality? Yes they do. Online applications always demand you to SIGN UP before you can apply, and so you'll find yourself trying to remember an awful lot of usernames and passwords when sniffing about for a career. Maybe you'll forget you applied to ASDA ages ago, and you'll come back to sign up and then - SORRY, YOU ALREADY HAVE AN ACCOUNT WITH US. Huh?! When was this? I have to give you username to get my password, but I don't know my username! Great! Thanks a bunch. And don't even get me started on the ridiculous questionnaires that, if you fail, completely negate your entire application. Biased backwards ass bullshit.

But for many people, nothing in this article applies to them. You can have a CV that covers half a page (at size 24 font), looks that make it seem like you live in a ditch, and a brain on par with the dumbest of dinosaurs and you'll get a job easily. Some people tend to have such luck. And that's why job applications SUCK.

Excuse my language.

And by the way, I am not unemployed.