Sunday, 25 September 2016

Movie Goofs - Jurassic Park III (2001)

The Jurassic Park series, despite being of the most treasured in film history, isn't really one of the highest ranking from a critical perspective - in fact, it's only the original that has garnered widespread acclaim, with it's sequel receiving mixed reactions, the third entry pleasing audiences even less, and the eventual fourth installment in the form of Jurassic World satisfying most audiences but not enjoying outstanding critical acclaim of sorts.

Speaking of the third installment, it quite easily ranks as the worst of the series for me, mostly due to it's rehashed and lazily written plot - a plot which is flooded with holes and contrivances that to me it seems like it was a last minute project to earn a quick buck. Let's gloss at some of the scripts most atrocious dismissals of logic...

  • The entire method of getting Alan Grant to follow them onto the island involved the Kirby's faking a huge family enterprise when, in actual fact, all they do is run a small plumbing business. As a result, a cheque they penned to Grant to bribe him into coming with them is of course rendered useless, but this all leads to one curious query - why on Earth did Grant not research this so called "Kirby Enterprises" empire and actually cash in the fake cheque before going on this horrendous mission? Did he not ask for any payment upfront or any further proof of Kirby's company's existence aside from a card that, even in 2001, is laughably easy to fake? He was just asking to be eaten alive if you ask me.
  • Referring back to this, the key reason they decided to bring Grant with them is because it was their belief he knew the island inside out due to his previous ordeals. Except, well, one key problem - he was on the other dinosaur island the entire time. Grant wrote a book on his miserable experience so it wouldn't have been hard to learn this - what's worse, the Kirby's even mention that said book is what convinced them that he's the right man! Can they not read, or can Grant not write? You decide, they're as dumb as each other at this stage.
  • Despite the fact that the character's do eventually acknowledge this, the thought of pulling out a megaphone and screaming your son's name on an island full of free roaming, man eating dinosaurs is just...well, there are no words.
  • The Spinosaurus, strangely desparate to chase the main characters endlessly despite having much bigger things to hunt and snack on, is able to ram through a barbed, incredibly thick steel fence without a scratch. But when it comes to trying to break down a shitty rusty door or smash apart the ruined building around it - well, that's apparently just out of the question.

  • The invincibility of the satellite phone is absolutely absurd; after being swallowed up by the Spinosaurus, it's still audible from within it's belly from a great distance (and apparently still getting a signal), and even still functional once pulled out of the dinosaur's soaking wet excrement god knows how many hours later. Looks nothing like a Nokia, but I see no other explanation...
  • Using this shit soaked phone of the Gods, Alan calls Ellie for help and she immediately obliges, somehow managing to convince the Navy and Air Force to send as much of their squad as possible to rescue this bunch of nobodies who willingly and illegally went to the forbidden Isla Sorna locale. Even once rescued, whilst it's fair enough they need a break from their horrifying experience, there's no hint at them even facing any legal repercussions for their actions.
  • A minor albeit very strange moment - why does a man stand on the beach before the Army arrive to call out the names of the main characters? It's an amusing reveal but really makes no sense. Could you imagine watching them devise a plan involving a man wandering onto a dinosaur ridden island and yelling as loud as he could, completely unaided or without protection? And him being totally cool with it? When you think into it further, it's absurdity becomes most evident.
  • Such a relaxing finale - John Williams' memorable score, the gorgeous sunset, and three pterosaurs who just tried to drown and feed the characters to their babies soaring off into the horizon to "find a new nesting grounds", as Grant says with a pleased look. Why nobody is not even a little bit concerned about this is beyond me. So are we cool with letting savage cloned dinosaurs live amongst us now?

Thanks for reading!